Lucy Rose.
Our sweet little stinker that was born February 19th at 6:30am here in Bellingham, Washington.
And it was a beautiful day. And for weeks now I've wanted to share with you the story leading up to her birth, and the exciting adventure of labor. But I've been busy changing diapers, feeding a hungry little bean, and trying to sleep whenever she does. But today I was inspired. Don't worry, no gory details will be shared, no need for that....and I don't have too much of that anyway.
1 year.
We tried for this precious baby girl for an entire year. Almost to the day.
I had been taking medicine for anxiety for many many years, and this medicine was unsafe for pregnancy and I wasn't about to subject a precious little pure baby to the chemicals found in this medication. So the journey of trying to find another pill that worked with my brain began, and what a journey it was. I'll go into more detail in another blog at another time, because that's quite the experience and God has written quite the story within that journey. Someday, I hope it will be a book, a book that will encourage others and bring hope for healing from anxiety and everything that goes along with it. But today, we focus on the beauty that came from Lucy.
After a very difficult and scary year of trying to find "the right" pill to calm my anxious mind, I came to realize I actually didn't need this pill and it was time to come off of it. That was a three month journey I will write about later, but within DAYS---HOURS of it being completely out of my system, my sweet Lucy Rose was created. Only God could do that. And what a confirmation to me that I did not need this pill any longer.
9+ months go by, and that baby grew--and so did my belly. It was an incredible experience!
It was about 11:30 pm and I was in bed trying to sleep when the first official contraction hit. And I knew. I knew she was coming. And I was terrified. What if I can't do this? What if my desire to do this labor completely without medication, without the tool I had previously used to numb any and every ounce of pain before trying to endure it--wasn't possible for me? What if I have too much anxiety to be a good Mom? What if all this healing and growth I've experienced isn't actually real?
So I told my sweet sleeping husband. And I told my Mom in the other room.
It's time.
After making that inevitable trip to the hospital to find that I was only 1.5 centimeters dilated, and Lucy wasn't quite ready, I lay in bed next to my Mom, next to the one who brought me into this world, how surreal is that--breathing through contractions off and on every 6 mins for a couple hrs. And picturing Jesus holding me in his arms. This was the ONLY way I could relax through every painful contraction the entire 30 hours.
At 12:00 pm I remember going into the large jet tub in our bathroom where I had previously thought I would so calmly labor, and cried. I was terrified and exhausted. I had already labored 13 hrs, how could I continue? That's when Jason put on the new Bethel album, We Will Not Be Shaken.
And I continued to cry. I cried out to the One who created this life inside of me, ready to come out and breathe her first breath.
5 hrs later my wonderful doula Deana came over, reminding me that the journey was not over and there was still breathing, squatting, walking aka--laboring to be done.
Around 7:30 everything started to really progress, and my everything intensified. By 10:30 I felt the urge to push and my Mom, Deana, and Jason felt it was time to go back to the hospital. I will NEVER forget that 25 minute drive. The entire time I tried not to push, but everything in me wanted to. I feared that this baby would come during that car ride. Sorry for putting you through the ringer Mom---but it was pretty cool to get to the hospital and be 7 centimeters dilated, knowing I had done all of that work at home!
After checking into the hospital and "settling in", we found out my cervix was not in the right place for this precious baby to come. So no pushing could be done. And the agony began. 4 hrs of waiting, continuing to labor---and wait. I remember so vividly this part of the journey. Mentally, I felt incredibly at peace as I labored in the tub, listening to Bethel's album in the background, with my nurse, Doula, Mom, and husband surrounding me. At one point the song, No Longer Slaves came on and Jesus filled the room with his presence fiercely. To this day I wonder what the nurses thought during that time. There was no going around hearing that song, and feeling the peace of God fill that room.
Here I was, two years after an incredibly terrifying, life changing, "dark night of the soul" kind of seasons. I can't even begin to tell you of the fears I have overcome at this point. To be lying in a tub, going through a very painful labor (as they all are), completely without any medication, FEARLESSLY. At one point I remember hearing a nurse, or someone say, "She is so brave, so strong, so peaceful".
Me, PEACEFUL? BRAVE? STRONG?
These are not words I would EVER describe myself after going through two years of CRIPPLING fear. And here I was in a place where if I took control of your mind and keep from allowing each coming contraction fill your mind with fear, they would be less intense. At times I caved. At times I allowed myself to be FILLED with fear. But would be reminded by my Mom, or Deana, or Jason---RELAX. BREATHE. YOU'VE GOT THIS. And I did. And I would once again maintain that peace.
And then they broke my water. Just moved that dang cervix. And everything intensified and moved very quickly. And it was time to push. And two long hours later, my sweet baby girl Lucy Rose was born. The precious gift, miracle, the baby I prayed for, cried out to God for, was placed in my arms.
The journey was beautiful. The labor was longer, and more agonizing than I had prayer for. Yet it was exactly what I needed. It is a life long reminder of how brave I am, how STRONG I am. The days after her birth were incredible. They were also difficult, painful, and terrifying. And God is not done breaking me free from fear. It's a long journey breaking free from something you've battled your entire life. But what a beautiful journey it has been. I look forward to seeing the GOOD that comes out of it. So far, my sweet Lucy Rose is the greatest GOOD that has been born out of this journey.
All glory to God.
And I adore this sweet baby, her smiles, her coo's, her cuddles. I actually look forward to feeding her in a few hours because it's time with just Lucy and I. Watching this little baby grow and flourish as a child of God, my little mini-me that I get to raise. Plus, she gives me 5-8 hours that first chunk and at 2 months I recognize I am beyond blessed to have that. Today I am just in awe that I get to be her Mom. I am humbled that God has actually given me this baby, this new life, after battling daily to fully trust Him.
All..Glory..To..God.
Here's is the link to that incredible song by Bethel. https://youtu.be/f8TkUMJtK5k
Our sweet little stinker that was born February 19th at 6:30am here in Bellingham, Washington.
And it was a beautiful day. And for weeks now I've wanted to share with you the story leading up to her birth, and the exciting adventure of labor. But I've been busy changing diapers, feeding a hungry little bean, and trying to sleep whenever she does. But today I was inspired. Don't worry, no gory details will be shared, no need for that....and I don't have too much of that anyway.
1 year.
We tried for this precious baby girl for an entire year. Almost to the day.
I had been taking medicine for anxiety for many many years, and this medicine was unsafe for pregnancy and I wasn't about to subject a precious little pure baby to the chemicals found in this medication. So the journey of trying to find another pill that worked with my brain began, and what a journey it was. I'll go into more detail in another blog at another time, because that's quite the experience and God has written quite the story within that journey. Someday, I hope it will be a book, a book that will encourage others and bring hope for healing from anxiety and everything that goes along with it. But today, we focus on the beauty that came from Lucy.
After a very difficult and scary year of trying to find "the right" pill to calm my anxious mind, I came to realize I actually didn't need this pill and it was time to come off of it. That was a three month journey I will write about later, but within DAYS---HOURS of it being completely out of my system, my sweet Lucy Rose was created. Only God could do that. And what a confirmation to me that I did not need this pill any longer.
9+ months go by, and that baby grew--and so did my belly. It was an incredible experience!
It was about 11:30 pm and I was in bed trying to sleep when the first official contraction hit. And I knew. I knew she was coming. And I was terrified. What if I can't do this? What if my desire to do this labor completely without medication, without the tool I had previously used to numb any and every ounce of pain before trying to endure it--wasn't possible for me? What if I have too much anxiety to be a good Mom? What if all this healing and growth I've experienced isn't actually real?
So I told my sweet sleeping husband. And I told my Mom in the other room.
It's time.
After making that inevitable trip to the hospital to find that I was only 1.5 centimeters dilated, and Lucy wasn't quite ready, I lay in bed next to my Mom, next to the one who brought me into this world, how surreal is that--breathing through contractions off and on every 6 mins for a couple hrs. And picturing Jesus holding me in his arms. This was the ONLY way I could relax through every painful contraction the entire 30 hours.
At 12:00 pm I remember going into the large jet tub in our bathroom where I had previously thought I would so calmly labor, and cried. I was terrified and exhausted. I had already labored 13 hrs, how could I continue? That's when Jason put on the new Bethel album, We Will Not Be Shaken.
And I continued to cry. I cried out to the One who created this life inside of me, ready to come out and breathe her first breath.
5 hrs later my wonderful doula Deana came over, reminding me that the journey was not over and there was still breathing, squatting, walking aka--laboring to be done.
Around 7:30 everything started to really progress, and my everything intensified. By 10:30 I felt the urge to push and my Mom, Deana, and Jason felt it was time to go back to the hospital. I will NEVER forget that 25 minute drive. The entire time I tried not to push, but everything in me wanted to. I feared that this baby would come during that car ride. Sorry for putting you through the ringer Mom---but it was pretty cool to get to the hospital and be 7 centimeters dilated, knowing I had done all of that work at home!
After checking into the hospital and "settling in", we found out my cervix was not in the right place for this precious baby to come. So no pushing could be done. And the agony began. 4 hrs of waiting, continuing to labor---and wait. I remember so vividly this part of the journey. Mentally, I felt incredibly at peace as I labored in the tub, listening to Bethel's album in the background, with my nurse, Doula, Mom, and husband surrounding me. At one point the song, No Longer Slaves came on and Jesus filled the room with his presence fiercely. To this day I wonder what the nurses thought during that time. There was no going around hearing that song, and feeling the peace of God fill that room.
Here I was, two years after an incredibly terrifying, life changing, "dark night of the soul" kind of seasons. I can't even begin to tell you of the fears I have overcome at this point. To be lying in a tub, going through a very painful labor (as they all are), completely without any medication, FEARLESSLY. At one point I remember hearing a nurse, or someone say, "She is so brave, so strong, so peaceful".
Me, PEACEFUL? BRAVE? STRONG?
These are not words I would EVER describe myself after going through two years of CRIPPLING fear. And here I was in a place where if I took control of your mind and keep from allowing each coming contraction fill your mind with fear, they would be less intense. At times I caved. At times I allowed myself to be FILLED with fear. But would be reminded by my Mom, or Deana, or Jason---RELAX. BREATHE. YOU'VE GOT THIS. And I did. And I would once again maintain that peace.
And then they broke my water. Just moved that dang cervix. And everything intensified and moved very quickly. And it was time to push. And two long hours later, my sweet baby girl Lucy Rose was born. The precious gift, miracle, the baby I prayed for, cried out to God for, was placed in my arms.
The journey was beautiful. The labor was longer, and more agonizing than I had prayer for. Yet it was exactly what I needed. It is a life long reminder of how brave I am, how STRONG I am. The days after her birth were incredible. They were also difficult, painful, and terrifying. And God is not done breaking me free from fear. It's a long journey breaking free from something you've battled your entire life. But what a beautiful journey it has been. I look forward to seeing the GOOD that comes out of it. So far, my sweet Lucy Rose is the greatest GOOD that has been born out of this journey.
All glory to God.
And I adore this sweet baby, her smiles, her coo's, her cuddles. I actually look forward to feeding her in a few hours because it's time with just Lucy and I. Watching this little baby grow and flourish as a child of God, my little mini-me that I get to raise. Plus, she gives me 5-8 hours that first chunk and at 2 months I recognize I am beyond blessed to have that. Today I am just in awe that I get to be her Mom. I am humbled that God has actually given me this baby, this new life, after battling daily to fully trust Him.
All..Glory..To..God.
Here's is the link to that incredible song by Bethel. https://youtu.be/f8TkUMJtK5k
