Jul 6, 2015

Stuck in the Mud

Fear. Insecurity. Depression. Overeating. Under eating. Unforgiveness. Anger. Regret. Complacency. Laziness. Bitterness. Anxiety.

These are what I call "life suckers", "life takers", things that keep you "stuck in the mud", stuck in a place you don't want to be in. A place you never thought you've been in.

I've been there. And it's life sucking, at times it's crippling.

Why do we allow ourselves to be stuck? We can't control life and the circumstances that come our way. But we can do something about how we respond to our brokenness. It took me a good ten years to figure  out, and let me tell you I would love for you not have to go through what I did in order to get out of that mud I had dug my heels into. Because when we are so very stuck and don't take that step out of the place we don't want to be in, we are missing out on some incredible things. We are blind to the fact that we are surrounded by so many people who love us. We can be bitter to know end towards one person, and forget there are many many people that deserve and need our attention and love today. Sometimes we can miss the beauty in a sunset, because we are so wrapped in our fear that nothing seems beautiful and the world is so very dim. Sometimes we are so stuck in the mud in our battles, that we don't even want to get out of that mud. We are "safe" here. Familiar with the stench.

And yet, we have an incredible God who walks beside us every single day, hoping we will open our eyes to see Him. To see His truth. To see His freedom. To experience healing in the relationships that are broken, or the anxiety that is relentless. He has something greater planned. Even in the midst of a really difficult season.

The first step we can take is trusting God. All we need to do is look up. Say, I'm done allowing this to control my life, and my mid. I'm done being stuck in the mud and desire to let go of all I am holding on to. "I'm over it" is what I like to say. Because there's no reason to allow this to control your life. Difficulties, heart wrenching circumstances, they will always be here until we leave this earth. Yet we don't need to stay stuck. We can find hope and we can find joy.

Changing is difficult. Especially at the start. Letting go, forgiving, all of these things take lots and lots of work. For me, I'm nearing the end of a two year battle of overcoming life sucking anxiety. I say, nearing the end, because I am no longer allowing it to control my life any more. I'm letting go of that weight every single day, in little and big ways, and breaking free from that mud I was oh so stuck in.

And so can you. Whatever it is, big or small, you CAN make a change. You can learn how to forgive. You can experience peace. You can choose hope. You can see the blessings in your life today. It will be a battle, but God says He will never leave us. His word is filled with his promises to be with us always. Joshua 1:9 Is just one of the many that says, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go".

It takes work. It takes accountability. Be honest with someone you are close to and ask for help. If you need encouragement, there is someone in your life that can help! Seek out someone that has overcome exactly what you are desiring to break free from. A pastor, your Mom, a sibling, a friend, someone.

It's so so time to get out of that mud you have been stuck in my friend. You can do this and it will be so very worth it in the end. Trust me! I've been in your shoes. 

May 17, 2015

She is My Mom

Recently I've been reflecting on my relationship with my own Mom, as I am now the new Mommy of sweet little girl named Lucy. I can't help but feel overwhelmed by this gift. It's so very special, so unlike any other friendship I've ever had. My Mom has always been my best friend. When I was young, I used to get so sad at times because I didn't have that one best friend. I always had a lot of close friends, but they all had that one bff ae...ae...ae come on ladies you wrote this one out many times. And my Mom would say, "that's because you have me, we are best friends". And as I've grown up to be a very mature adult 😉 I've realized the truth and beauty of this statement. It's true. She is my very best friend. She is my Mom.

I have many very close friends who are like sisters to me. And I praise God for them! They all have a different gift and purpose in my life. Yet my Mom can be a goof ball with me, she can laugh at me, she can put me in my place and remind me of the things only she can correct. She can blatantly remind me of my role as a wife. She can walk through countless stores as I search for the perfect top for this post pardum body, and that's no easy feat. I'm one picky girl. Always have been she says. But she puts the clothes back on the hanger, and Waits as I search for something else I'll probably not like. She is my Mom.

Now here I am, sitting on a couch listening to my own sweet daughter breath deeply as she takes that coveted long afternoon nap. Yet I can't help but wonder how I was blessed enough to be given this gift? My very own 24/7 best friend? Don't get me wrong, my husband is that role as well, and he will always come first. But I have a forever shopping buddy, a Woods Coffee date....I have that little buddy to enjoy life with while Dad is away at work. Someday I just may be where my Mom was as Little Lucy entered my world. Right by my side. Because she is my Mom.

Can I encourage you to call your Mom? Or text her and tell her you love her? This year was my first Mothers Day and goooooodnight is that a well deserved day. This job is endless, 24/7, 365. And it's beautiful. I know life brings its lemons and can sour any relationship.. I spent a good couple years being a snot nosed, hurtful teenager to my own Mom. But, she is my Mom. She loves endlessly and forgives effortlessly. Obviously many have experienced more heartbreak than that, yet forgiveness is possible in every circumstance. Life is too precious and so very short. We never know how long we have with our best friend, so use this time wisely.

I Pray that I am that Mom to my sweet sleeping Lucy. I pray that as she experiences heartbreak because girls can be so mean, and boys can be so cruel, she will know she always has me as her best friend. I pray that the bond we have now,, will only change and grow as the years go by.

 Because I am her Mom. 

Apr 17, 2015

The Birth of Lucy Rose

Lucy Rose.
Our sweet little stinker that was born February 19th at 6:30am here in Bellingham, Washington.
And it was a beautiful day. And for weeks now I've wanted to share with you the story leading up to her birth, and the exciting adventure of labor. But I've been busy changing diapers, feeding a hungry little bean, and trying to sleep whenever she does. But today I was inspired. Don't worry, no gory details will be shared, no need for that....and I don't have too much of that anyway.

1 year.
We tried for this precious baby girl for an entire year. Almost to the day.
I had been taking medicine for anxiety for many many years, and this medicine was unsafe for pregnancy and I wasn't about to subject a precious little pure baby to the chemicals found in this medication. So the journey of trying to find another pill that worked with my brain began, and what a journey it was. I'll go into more detail in another blog at another time, because that's quite the experience and God has written quite the story within that journey. Someday, I hope it will be a book, a book that will encourage others and bring hope for healing from anxiety and everything that goes along with it. But today, we focus on the beauty that came from Lucy.

After a very difficult and scary year of trying to find "the right" pill to calm my anxious mind, I came to realize I actually didn't need this pill and it was time to come off of it. That was a three month journey I will write about later, but within DAYS---HOURS of it being completely out of my system, my sweet Lucy Rose was created. Only God could do that. And what a confirmation to me that I did not need this pill any longer.

9+ months go by, and that baby grew--and so did my belly. It was an incredible experience!

It was about 11:30 pm and I was in bed trying to sleep when the first official contraction hit. And I knew. I knew she was coming. And I was terrified. What if I can't do this? What if my desire to do this labor completely without medication, without the tool I had previously used to numb any and every ounce of pain before trying to endure it--wasn't possible for me? What if I have too much anxiety to be a good Mom? What if all this healing and growth I've experienced isn't actually real?

So I told my sweet sleeping husband. And I told my Mom in the other room.
It's time.
After making that inevitable trip to the hospital to find that I was only 1.5 centimeters dilated, and Lucy wasn't quite ready, I lay in bed next to my Mom, next to the one who brought me into this world, how surreal is that--breathing through contractions off and on every 6 mins for a couple hrs. And picturing Jesus holding me in his arms. This was the ONLY way I could relax through every painful contraction the entire 30 hours.

At 12:00 pm I remember going into the large jet tub in our bathroom where I had previously thought I would so calmly labor, and cried. I was terrified and exhausted. I had already labored 13 hrs, how could I continue? That's when Jason put on the new Bethel album, We Will Not Be Shaken.
And I continued to cry. I cried out to the One who created this life inside of me, ready to come out and breathe her first breath.

5 hrs later my wonderful doula Deana came over, reminding me that the journey was not over and there was still breathing, squatting, walking aka--laboring to be done.

Around 7:30 everything started to really progress, and my everything intensified. By 10:30 I felt the urge to push and my Mom, Deana, and Jason felt it was time to go back to the hospital. I will NEVER forget that 25 minute drive. The entire time I tried not to push, but everything in me wanted to. I feared that this baby would come during that car ride. Sorry for putting you through the ringer Mom---but it was pretty cool to get to the hospital and be 7 centimeters dilated, knowing I had done all of that work at home!

After checking into the hospital and "settling in", we found out my cervix was not in the right place for this precious baby to come. So no pushing could be done. And the agony began. 4 hrs of waiting, continuing to labor---and wait. I remember so vividly this part of the journey. Mentally, I felt incredibly at peace as I labored in the tub, listening to Bethel's album in the background, with my nurse, Doula, Mom, and husband surrounding me. At one point the song, No Longer Slaves came on and Jesus filled the room with his presence fiercely. To this day I wonder what the nurses thought during that time. There was no going around hearing that song, and feeling the peace of God fill that room.

Here I was, two years after an incredibly terrifying, life changing, "dark night of the soul" kind of seasons. I can't even begin to tell you of the fears I have overcome at this point. To be lying in a tub, going through a very painful labor (as they all are), completely without any medication, FEARLESSLY. At one point I remember hearing a nurse, or someone say, "She is so brave, so strong, so peaceful".
Me, PEACEFUL? BRAVE? STRONG?
These are not words I would EVER describe myself after going through two years of CRIPPLING fear. And here I was in a place where if I took control of your mind and keep from allowing each coming contraction fill your mind with fear, they would be less intense. At times I caved. At times I allowed myself to be FILLED with fear. But would be reminded by my Mom, or Deana, or Jason---RELAX. BREATHE. YOU'VE GOT THIS. And I did. And I would once again maintain that peace.

And then they broke my water. Just moved that dang cervix. And everything intensified and moved very quickly. And it was time to push. And two long hours later, my sweet baby girl Lucy Rose was born. The precious gift, miracle, the baby I prayed for, cried out to God for, was placed in my arms.

The journey was beautiful. The labor was longer, and more agonizing than I had prayer for. Yet it was exactly what I needed. It is a life long reminder of how brave I am, how STRONG I am. The days after her birth were incredible. They were also difficult, painful, and terrifying. And God is not done breaking me free from fear. It's a long journey breaking free from something you've battled your entire life. But what a beautiful journey it has been. I look forward to seeing the GOOD that comes out of it. So far, my sweet Lucy Rose is the greatest GOOD that has been born out of this journey.

All glory to God.

And I adore this sweet baby, her smiles, her coo's, her cuddles. I actually look forward to feeding her in a few hours because it's time with just Lucy and I. Watching this little baby grow and flourish as a child of God, my little mini-me that I get to raise. Plus, she gives me 5-8 hours that first chunk and at 2 months I recognize I am beyond blessed to have that. Today I am just in awe that I get to be her Mom. I am humbled that God has actually given me this baby, this new life, after battling daily to fully trust Him.

All..Glory..To..God.

Here's is the link to that incredible song by Bethel. https://youtu.be/f8TkUMJtK5k